If a lie is white, then what color is the truth?
I've come to a tainted understanding: Even love, no matter how true and how sweet, can have doubt and loop wholes embedded in the ivies. You see, a marriage has been recently questioned and no, it's not my own. (I will not say who's apon this website; only via private message and no, I'm not married.) The father of said marriage is the one beneath the swinging light and the family is left broken on the asphault.
I have no say in the actions, nor do I have a say in the thoughts, but it seems "standing my ground" has helped the father to realize that I'm no longer a scared little child. His thunder does not scare me and his lashes do not bleed, for I am too numb with the thoughts of dissapointment and betrayel to ever feel anything els. The man even had the courage and nerve to ask me to "trust him". I'm sorry to say that I only trust one father right now and he's on his thrown in heaven, saddened by our actions.
This father, you see, was suspected of adultry more than once and though, of course, the natural instinct of fear kicked in and denial was left complete on his toungue,any and all respect for this man has been lost to me and is now dead beneath my feet. Everything in my life-all of my reasons and pieces of being, have been a lie. Everything he's taught me (and my brother, as well as his students-he's a teacher, you see)has been for nothing. I cringed at those who made the ultimate promise and threw it away, but I never knew that one of those people would ever be him. He who told me that such things were wrong and such lies were never to be respected. Now I see why. I was one of those who was envied for a solid and true family, but now I am only wishing that I could crawl in a whole and deteriorate away, like the scum I feel that I am.
What really bothers me is that, the mother has no where to go and as of now, she has no idea. Only the children, who've seen the phone calls and who've noticed the things (and I, who've heard the very words "I love you" and "I'm trying to get more time for us together" spelt for another woman) know what's taking place and sadly, are too scared of the change in pace for this family, or whatever it can be called now.
But what get's me the most, what shatters me more than anything...is that the "other woman" is the mother's best friend. Even the "other woman" had gone throught the same hurt and saddness of knowing her husband for what he'd done, and yet, she does it anyway. The "other woman's" children are my very best friends. They've been through thick and thin with me and I'd never be found without them...but they don't even know the etchings on my heart.
My father had taught me everything...he helped me grow and he became the person I wanted to impress the most. I can never express my thoughts to him now and I fear our bond will never grow. He destroyed it when I was a child, promising my mother was alright and letting the entire school tell me she had almost died( I was young then and foolish, I had no suspections, no ideas) and again, on the same week as my "sweet" moment, he destroyed it again.
I'm miles from where they are and I'm laying down on such a cold ground and I'm hoping something will pick me up and set me down in their warm arms. Change is scary...but betrayel is even scarier. How dare I ever believe that my life-my "family" could ever be perfect.